My day 

We take colored pencils

Color in between the lines

And outside too

Different shades of orange hitting

Books, line, squiggles, this is hard 

Anxiety 

Relief

We color our worlds in the process

As if we were colorless

We listen 

To music and sing 

And hug and 

We don’t finish coloring, we 

Talk and 

Color

Be petty 

We color and mix 

Cheese popcorn with smarties

Puff from electronic cigarettes

Apple flavor

We pick up blue colored pencils

Hit the books again 

Prank calls and missed men 

We change voices and continue to color

But wonder, 

“Why do people still answer an unknown call the second time?”

Your Muslim Existentialist 

Allow me to rant 

Does anyone ever wonder why they check up on things that don’t bother them anymore to fill this curiosity and then end up regretting it? I’ve said this again and again, humans are so complex. Life is so complex. When you think about things for too long, trying to figure them out, you eventually end up losing even what made sense for a while. I wonder why I’m sad, why I realize that life is short and yet still allow this sadness to take over. Why some days I’m fine and the next I’m not. Why I become so confused, so lost, so uncertain so quickly. Why is life this complex. It could be so easy. They say be aware of your feelings. Feelings are messing me up. When I was cold and didn’t talk about feelings I was fine. I wasn’t sad, I was just functioning like a robot. As long as I did my work I was fine. Now it’s dealing with getting work done and resolving more of the internal. Feelings can’t be done in one night. They can’t be solved. They can’t be resolved. They keep coming back. Awareness messed me up. Self care messed me up. fighting these thoughts and the only way I can do that is by letting go of them. It was all fake, all temporary. Doing things I didnt want to do. Things people told me to do. You’ll feel better if you do this and this. It’s been 1 year since I opened up and starting speaking about how I feel. I should have never done that. I should ignore feelings.  Not feel. Do my work. Perform daily functions, settle, not care, not feel. Feelings mess you up I’m telling you. We advise people to do this and that and yet they still live their lives in recovery. Their whole life is recovering. Their whole life is trying to heal. Constant reminders that they are not there yet. What’s whole in that? What’s humane about that? A life of constant struggle, of people telling you how to take care of yourself, of being tired. Life is so fucking complex. 

Monday 

When you wear the same thing you wore on Friday cuz you don’t see the same people but completely forget that you take the same train everyday at the same time with the same people 
*facepalm*