Your Muslim Existentialist 

Allow me to rant 

Does anyone ever wonder why they check up on things that don’t bother them anymore to fill this curiosity and then end up regretting it? I’ve said this again and again, humans are so complex. Life is so complex. When you think about things for too long, trying to figure them out, you eventually end up losing even what made sense for a while. I wonder why I’m sad, why I realize that life is short and yet still allow this sadness to take over. Why some days I’m fine and the next I’m not. Why I become so confused, so lost, so uncertain so quickly. Why is life this complex. It could be so easy. They say be aware of your feelings. Feelings are messing me up. When I was cold and didn’t talk about feelings I was fine. I wasn’t sad, I was just functioning like a robot. As long as I did my work I was fine. Now it’s dealing with getting work done and resolving more of the internal. Feelings can’t be done in one night. They can’t be solved. They can’t be resolved. They keep coming back. Awareness messed me up. Self care messed me up. fighting these thoughts and the only way I can do that is by letting go of them. It was all fake, all temporary. Doing things I didnt want to do. Things people told me to do. You’ll feel better if you do this and this. It’s been 1 year since I opened up and starting speaking about how I feel. I should have never done that. I should ignore feelings.  Not feel. Do my work. Perform daily functions, settle, not care, not feel. Feelings mess you up I’m telling you. We advise people to do this and that and yet they still live their lives in recovery. Their whole life is recovering. Their whole life is trying to heal. Constant reminders that they are not there yet. What’s whole in that? What’s humane about that? A life of constant struggle, of people telling you how to take care of yourself, of being tired. Life is so fucking complex. 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s